November 13, 2012
Journal 15

Reinvention

I think that reinventing myself would be a little scary, but if I could change myself I probably would.  I am not as comfortable about complete reinvention of self as Chris McCandless was.  I believe that we are how we are for a reason.  However, I do feel that we need to change in order to grow as individuals.  I don't think I would completely reinvent myself, but I would change a few things.  The first thing I would change is my tendency to procrastinate when I start to feel stressed or tired.  I hate this habit of mine and I have tried to break it several times.  I try to motivate myself, but I always hit an obstacle that causes me to procrastinate.  It kills me every time.  The next thing I would change is my fears.  I want so badly to be fearless, but I'm not.  I have (predictably) gotten braver with age, but I am still not satisfied.  Facing my fears has always been difficult, and has yielded little to no success or reward other than full-blown panic attacks.  My fear of heights is a great example.  I have tried time and  time again to get over my fear of heights.  However, every time I face my fear, I panic.  Forget falling, I'm pretty sure I face a very real possibility of a heart attack if I'm more than five feet off the ground.  The only exception to my fear is flying.  I love planes.  This strange contradiction continues to confound me.  I would also make myself love exercise and be indifferent toward food.  I love food too much.  Another thing I would change is my messiness.  I am not comfortable without some clutter.  When I went home for fall break, I found that my mom had cleaned my room to her perfectionist standards.  It felt strange.  My room did not feel loved or lived in until I (more or less) trashed it.  I would also change my need for sleep.  I wish I could stay up late and get up early with no problem.  My generation seems to have fun at night, and while I probably wouldn't be doing the irresponsible things teenagers are notorious for, I can't help but feel that I'm missing out.  I wish I did not have to choose between much-wanted fun and much-needed rest.  

I would also actively pursue more hobbies.  I would love to be a great artist.  I love to draw and paint, and I am creative.  However, nothing I make ever comes out how I want it to and I despise the results.  I get discouraged whenever I pick up a pencil, and I eventually give up.  I would also write more often. I would finish the book I started in tenth grade, even though I would never publish it.  I would also get more exercise.  I would run more often and lift weights.  I would do more things outside.  

I definitely feel that reinvention of self would be freeing.  It would give you the opportunity to live how you want to live and be who you want to be.  I do not think that complete reinvention is a good idea, because it compromises who you are as an individual.  Somethings about ourselves are not meant to be changed, and if we change those things, we lose who we are and we cannot be truly happy.